Sleepless Nights

As the pinks and purples rise in the east

 I blink and realize I am given one more day.

Each blink I blink

each stretch I take

 I am reminded of the night.

  The night I seem to have over and over

 but lately more recently.

Today is a day I don't have the strength.

The strength to process the night

 and forgive yet again.

If only they would see I still love them

and after nights like this

 wondering if I could ever be loved.

When all I've ever heard is that your not worth
 anything or enough.

Not enough to hang on to

not  enough to want to talk to me

not enough to do things with me.

Shunned for another year.

Those years have turned into a decade
 for some
 and with others two.

If they truly saw my heart

they would see the love I have for them

 is just a pinch
 of the kind of love
they have been searching for all their life.

 Yet I'm held at arms length.

The love I have and want to give

 will forever be there 

waiting to burst forth 

and spill over at just a look.

The words don't even have to be spoken. 

 I'll know by the look.

But I do find the strength.

The strength to get up.

The strength to forgive.

The strength to continue this path I'm on.

I'm not really sure
 how I finally ended up
 on the right side of the road this time.

 But I like it here.

In fact I love it here, and wouldn't trade it for anything.

A road where grace and mercy abound even in my weakest moments.

I will continue to stand
 and wave my white flag

and surrender
 to the only
One
 I know will win the battle for me.
 And when I can't
I know who I can call on to help continue the battle
with me.

I will stand until the sunsets yet again

 and pray that I will be granted one more day
 to continue what God has started in me.

Jehovah-Nissi

The LORD our Banner.

Philippians 4:13

Exodus 17:8-16

Jeremiah 29:11

Philippians 1:6

Images found on Google Images

SHE DOES NOT KNOW

"Although many people can contribute

 to the process of creating a significant purpose;

it is a child's parents that carry the greatest

potential for influence.

Dr. Tim Kimmel- Grace Based Parenting

As I sit yet again through the 10 week study of 

Grace Based Parenting.

(Yes my second time! I desperately need it!)

My thoughts turn toward not my parenting this time;

but toward the way my parents were with me

growing up.

Reflecting. Processing. Wondering.

"It is a child's parents that carry 

the greatest potential for influence."

I believe this statement.

Sure I could go down the laundry list of bads

 and not so goods.

However this time in my thinking, I reflect on the good.

First and foremost you must understand my mom.

Her thoughts

Her eyes

Her love

Her ears

are all veiled.

She does not know.

So as she sits in her winged back chair

and studies 

and underlines

and reads

and prays.

She does not know.

She does not know

 the severity of the loss.

She does only what she is told.

She does not know

What a Savior is

or 

Who the Savior is.

She did the best she could, with what she has been told,

and sadly

with what she has forever believed in

the Jehovah Witness Organization.

She has studied over pages of magazines and books

for 45 + years now.

One thing she influenced me in

was reading the bible.

Even though what she is reading is false.

The principle of

The impact of

reading her bible daily

has been the biggest influence in my life.

So even today as this long journey continues and we are separated.

I can stand and give honor to my mom 

for the influence

that came from her.

And this also

She does not know.

So take the bad and let God make it for good.

Genesis 50:20

Honor your father and mother.

Ephesians 6:2

The Meaning of a Pink Rose:

Appreciation. "Thank you", Grace, Admiration

Thank you Mom.