HOPE

Eighteen years ago today.

I wondered why the passing of my dad hit me differently this year than any other.

I'm still not completely sure as I hit the keyboard this evening.

Hope.

I have hope and can say I have never lost it.

I remember walking through my parents kitchen like it was yesterday.  

I was looking and listening to my mom 

as she sat at the kitchen table 

reading the sympathy cards and mocking at the handwriting of one of my dads co-workers.

The man wrote; "We know Sonny believed in the after-life."

"That's ridiculous!" Mom yelled.

"How would he know, 

he knew nothing of what your Dad believed, 

how dare he say that!"

"He knew nothing of what your Dad believed."

What did Dad believe?

I didn't know.

Mom didn't know.

"We know."

God knows.

Hope

"We know."

There are ones that knew what Dad believed.

Hope.

I know this about my dad he loved me unconditionally.

I see it in his eyes.

I have this picture to remind me of it everyday.

In this picture there is the obvious 

you see my Dad holding my baby girl.

My baby girl

the situation that caused my disfellowshipping 

from the Jehovah's Witness Organization.

The situation that still causes the shunning in my life today.

What I see in this picture...

I see my baby girl looking at her Grandpa

knowing she is loved and admired.

I see my baby girl looking at her Grandpa 

knowing she is accepted and has is approval.

I see my baby girl looking at her Grandpa saying;

"I'm glad your holding me, I'm proud of you Grandpa 

just as much as you are proud of me."

And as my Dad stands there taking this photo

I see him looking at me saying; 

"Baby girl I love you and admire you."

"Baby girl I accept you and you have my approval."

"Baby girl I'm proud of you."

Hope

It is great to know and believe that your Father feels this way about his daughter.

It's even greater to know your Heavenly Father feels this way too.

Hope

In memory of my dad who passed away eighteen years ago today.

I say this; 

I love you dad and I have hope that I will see you one day 

because

"Sonny believed in the after-life."

Eternal life after this life here on earth in heaven with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

"There is no sting in death for those who believe in Him."

1 Corinthians 15:55-57

1 John 2:25

1 Additional Week Later

1 Additional Week Later is 3 of 3 conversations.

1 Hour Later

1 Week Later

1 Additional Week Later

following the blog written 15 Years Ago Today.

1 Additional Week Later

Sequence 3 of 3...

"In all my excitement after 

1 Hour Later

I immediately sat down to journal what

that moment had brought about."
Those were the words I penned back on November 6, 2013.

I can't say so much this time around.
It has been 5 months since writing 1 Hour Later.
It has been 3 months since writing 1 Week Later. 
And now it has been 9 months since November 2013, since I blogged 
15 Years Ago Today. 
(written in August of 2014...finally posting in September)

9 months +.
 Why has it taken me so long.
I could use many excuses.
I could say I'm busy raising a family of 5.
I could just say I've been busy
and I'm sure some of you would get that and understand 
and even have some empathy. Maybe ? Or not. That's o.k. too.
But if I went that direction
I would only be speaking those words with partial truth.
And if you've read my writings or know me 
partial truth has never sat well with me.

9 months.
I've had 5 children so 9 months is really nothing to me.

9 months.
Some say your pregnant 40 weeks which is really
10 months
so again that many months is really nothing to me.

9 months of being pregnant.
Your body goes through a lot changes.
I won't get into them.
One reason being
you probably know most of them
and if you don't 
I don't want to gross you out by any means.

It has taken me 
9 months 
to write this blog
because
I had to go through some things.

Emotions.
 I didn't know I had.

Realities.
I didn't know how to respond to.

Hurts.
I didn't know were still there.

Boldness.
I didn't know I had.

Compassion.
I didn't know was there.

Healing.
I didn't know I still needed.

So I say all that to say
God is always at work
giving us only what He knows we can handle
and helping us stretch and grow in such  
gracious and merciful ways.

So let's begin:

The specialty coffee was brewing and the pastries ready to serve.
My stomach turned and twisted inside of me 
all because by this time the Elders were 20 minutes past their scheduled time.

"Had they forgotten?"
"Did they purposely plan not to show?"
"Was this not part of God's plan?"
The many thoughts that went through my mind.

"Peace?" 
"Where was my peace?"
"God why do I not feel your peace?"
Then the vehicle pulled in the driveway.
PEACE
It was ever so present.
It was ever so calming.
It was ever so God.

My husband (Mike) and I welcomed them in.
They made no eye contact and proceeded to take off their shoes.
They shook Mikes hand but not mine.

I introduced myself and Mike introduced himself
and we asked them to come in and sit down.
I offered coffee and pastries.
They refused.

They wanted to get right down to business.

"Why have you asked us here Melissa?"

"Well for a couple reasons." I proceeded.
"One, I wanted to address a topic that is mentioned in the tract that was left here a couple weeks ago, and to share a couple of scriptures with you."

"Well let me just start off by saying this", the Elder continued.
"Just like you and I defecate differently, so we are different when it comes to scripture."

"Excuse me, WHAT ?" I said perplexed.

"Just like you and I urinate differently, so we are different when it comes to scripture."

"I'm sorry I don't know what you are getting at!" 
I said with a great questioning look on my face.

Emotions I didn't know I had.

Mike jumps in and says
"Honey basically your not going to agree on the things you want to discuss."

"Well why on earth didn't you just say that Brother M-------?"
 Saying with great gumption.

"Melissa what is your point in having us here?"

"Well, I want to share some things with you that I have found in scripture through out the years."

"Not on my dime you won't."

"Excuse me?"

"Look Melissa if you are trying to share your points on the bible
 those things we will not discuss
now if you want to talk about coming back to the organization 
and what scripture has to say about that
 then we will gladly discuss those things in the bible with you."

"Well I will not be coming back
 I will not become a Jehovah's Witness again.
And regarding 1 Corinthians 5:10-13 the scripture you use to back up 
disfellowshipping a.k.a. shunning 
this is referring to people who have left following 
the true gospel of Jesus His truth and His ways
 and while I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses
 I was never taught the truth about who Jesus really was 
so there for, that scripture does not apply to me according to God's word, because I have just found out who Jesus really is, and the truth of who He is.
So technically I'm not disfellowshipped."

"Oh, how convenient for you now isn't it, in the way you interpret that scripture."

After 2 hours of scripture ping-pong
We stumbled
NO NOT STUMBLED
GOD DIRECTED
came to 
Matthew 18:15-16.
I shared with tears
how I knew even as a child and as a young teen
not to present my case 
based off of this scripture.
I knew the "Two Witness Rule."
I knew not to "Bring reproach on Jehovah's Organization."
I knew that "Perhaps Satan planted those thoughts in my mind and I wasn't serving Jehovah enough."
Even though my abusers were not within the congregation
I knew that my sexual abuse cases were hopeless cases.
For I knew what I would be told
and what I would be denied.
No reports made to authorities.
No action taken.
Leave it in Jehovah's hand. He will avenge in due time.
And a mother who said:
"Well you must of done something
 for them to do those things to you."

Hurts I didn't know were still there.

My fate living a life in shame.
As the final moments came winding down to a finish
 of those moments of my life
Tears were shed by both Elders
and 
"I'm sorry's" were said.
Something I never expected to happen.

Realities I didn't know how to respond to.

As conversation went back and forth about my disfellowshipping at 18 and how matters were handled.
Yet more apologizes were given.
Sincerity. Yes. There was great sincerity in their voices and faces.

Again
Realities I didn't know how to respond to.

As our conversation came to the final closing 20 minutes
  I explained 
who I am now
 a born again believer in Christ Jesus 
and that He is my Lord and Savior
 and that I wanted to share with them the hope that I have 
and how I have discovered that Jesus is truly God....

The Elder self-righteously interrupted 
"Are you asking me to say that Jesus is God?
If that is what you are trying to get at
NO! I WILL NEVER AGREE TO THAT OR SAY THAT!"

I said, "Well you believe we will all stand before God one day, right?"

"Yes."

"And you believe we will all have to give an account for our life here on earth, right?"

"Yes."

"So what if by chance, I'm using my imagination here Brother M-------, what if God replays this very moment before our very eyes. Then what? What if today is your only day to be given the chance to accept Jesus."

Boldness I didn't know I had.

"NO, NEVER I WILL NEVER DO THAT!"

Compassion I didn't know was there,  for a people that in their minds
think I am of the enemy.

"Well thank you both for coming, I appreciate your time."

I was given both of their cell numbers to contact them in the future if I had any questions about returning to the organization or their doctrine.

Emotions 
came when analogies were given in such disgusting ways.

Realities
that this really was once my life and "God is using
what was intended to harm me and is making it for good 
all for the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

Hurts
that I still felt on how my mother handled my abuse situations.

Boldness
to speak scripture in truth and love and without compromise.
(My husband saying; "Honey I've never seen you flip through scripture like that and know just where to go. You were so bold. In all honesty after we closed the door, I turned to him first and asked "Did I even pull out my bible, I felt like I was all over the place.")

Compassion 
when they denied Christ 
I thought about their souls and my moms soul.
A heart, my heart broken in great compassion 
for a nation of people that don't even know they are lost.

Healing
another piece of healing came when they apologized 
on how the abuses in my life were handled in the organization.

Healing
comes from God.

Healing 
is a Decision.

Healing 
is a Choice
one you have to make.

Healing 
is taking Responsibility for your Life.

Healing 
Takes Time.

Healing 
is Work.

Healing
is a long road but one we must NEVER stop walking.

Healing
"Don't Go It Alone."

Healing
takes Faith.

Healing
brings Soundness of Mind.

Healing
is Redemption.

Healing
is Complete in Jesus.

Healing is 
VICTORY.

Healing
brings Compassion.

Healing
makes you Whole.

And I want you Whole.
And Jesus wants you Healed and Whole.