He Knew

After another morning of
hustle and bustle.
Kids off to school and some still asleep.
I decided to crawl back in bed.

My 1st born son had slept with me this past night.
As I cuddled up to him so many thoughts came rushing through my mind.
As fast as the thoughts rushed through, the emotions rushed into my heart, and the tears of sadness and joy began to fall from my face.

He Knew
He Knew I'd have this moment.

I'm not sure what Jesus lay on when it was time for bed.
Maybe a material like burlap, or maybe some straw.
This bed; was it separate (across the room maybe) from where his earthly dad and mom slept.
Did he have a space all his own, or did he share his space?
Did Mary sometimes move her burlap or straw and cuddle up to Jesus in the wee hours of the morning?

I wondered if my 1st born knew that at that moment I was holding him.
Did he sleep better or more sound?
Did he feel more comfort or warmth?
Did he know how much I loved him in that moment?
Will he ever know how much I wanted Him?
How I prayed for Him? How I so much wanted a boy, not only for me and my sake, but more to give my husband a boy?
Will I be able to explain enough, show enough (by example), how much Jesus loves Him?
How much more Jesus wants Him, and loves him, even more than his mommy's love?
That type of love is indescribable.
How will I ever be able to do this?

We never can remember those times when we were born and the 1st few years of life, but

He knew.

Jesus knew before He came how many times His mom would cuddle Him.
He knew He would exchange his puffy, billowing clouds and streets of gold
to sleep each night on the ground, the cold ground.
He knew He'd have to share.
He knew there would be moments when His Mom would scold Him.
He knew there would be those moments when she would provide comfort and warmth.
He also knew He would give it all- Comfort, warmth and strength when she needed it most.

He Knew

When Jesus stayed back in Jerusalem while His parents were heading back home, he knew it would be a few days, a day to realize he was missing and then they would have to travel some time back to find him.  Furious!
I know He Knew what that word was and I'm sure his parents, if Jesus hadn't gotten them to that point yet by 12 years old I'm thinking maybe they were feelin it now, Mighty quick!
He Knew

When Joesph taught Him the trade of carpentery.
He knew.
But he obeyed, he respected.
When Jesus used the nails to complete the project with his father Joseph.
He knew.
But he continued on.

He, God in flesh-Jesus-Came and
He Knew

He knew he'd be flogged, to the point of no recognition
He knew he'd be rejected,
laughed at, spit on.
He knew he'd be ignored, cursed.
He knew he'd be tempted in every way shape or form.
He knew in the flesh He would be weak and He would need the strength from His Father, my Father, your Father in heaven above.

He Knew

He Knew He was coming for me and for you.
He Knew He wanted to wrap His arms around us.
So He came.
He Knew He wanted to be a comfort to us, and cuddle up with us,
So He came.
He Knew I needed a Savior when I didn't even know it.
He Knew I needed to rest better.
So He came.
He Knew I couldn't do it on my own, and how hard the flesh is, and how weak the flesh is.
So He came.

He Knew

He Knows not all will come to Him. and that makes me sad.
How much more sad is He?
He Knows that until His return, He will still be mocked and cursed.  BUT
He Knows the day and time He's coming.
He knows everything there is nothing I can hide from him.
There is no where I can go, where He does not exist.
No moutain, no cave, no deep sea diving.  He is every where!  For that I am thankful.

He is patient, so that is why He has not returned.  He's waiting patiently for all to come to Him.
He knows He will have the victory, and He wants me and you to share in it!  Yep! Us to!

He knows

He already knows you, why don't you come to get to know Him.
Trust me it will be the best relationship you will ever have.
Not just because I said so, but because He says so.

He knew and He didn't change His mind, He didn't turn back.
He came.


How many times I cried and prayed someone would love me just for me.
How many times I wondered why?
How many times I asked you God,
why my mom, of all people?
Doesn't a mom love unconditionally?
I wanted her approval, her acceptance.
She broke me, she hurt me, but yet I was afraid to go.

This life has been hard.
This road has been so long.
After all I've been through, How?
I don't know how, what's the 1st step?
I look back on this road I've traveled and I know that I don't want to do it again.
But I miss my family!
Relationships why are they so difficult?
I'll take any relationship, at this point.
I just want to love some one, and some one to love me for me.
I don't want to perform or do for anyone anymore.
I want love, but do I even know what it truly is, what it truly means?
An example of love. I've seen it in part, but when all rejection and shame came, I questioned it, and have continued to my entire life.  I don't ever remember a job well done.
No one has really ever shown me what love is, so how will I know how to love.
Love is patient. Love is kind.
Really, though is it?
Yes 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
What's ahead of me?
This journey......is long.
This road...........is hard.

All my bitterness, my tears, my pride, my vain ambitions, all the rage, the hurt, the regret, the loneliness, the shame, the pain, my sin-all of it, all the times I thought something was owed to me because of my past, all my narcissism.
That's what I came with, that's what I gave to Him.
And to know...
He gave me His life.  He died for me.

After all that I've been through now
i realize THE TRUTH.

I could never had made it without you.
You've always been there for me, even when I didn't know.
I didn't know I was lost until I was found.
You found me.
You sought me time and time again.
When I think of where I've come from
and the things I've left behind
nothing compares to what's in front of me.

I say to you reading this-you the former Jehovah Witness or
the one just beginning to search...
I know you have suffered all your life.
I know your own flesh and blood as turned you away,.
I know lifetime friends have turned their backs on you.
The pain, the hurt, the despair, the rejection.
I know for some of you it's a fresh wound, for some of you it starts to close
and someone or something opens it again.

You need some healing, you need a healer.
One who will comfort you if you let Him,
and He will make you whole again.
Your world has been closed off and cold.
You have been wandering...
You've been wondering...
You've been searching...
You've been questioning...
You've been doubting...

I know someone has hurt you who was it?
Who has affected you?
Who was it that told you, you wouldn't amount to anything, or ever succeed?
Who or what still has control over your life?
What stops you in going in a new direction?
Please don't let it be fear.
I myself was stuck there for so long, Believe me there is freedom on the other side.
Are you fully happy with the choices you've chosen in your life since then?

You are more than your mistakes, you are more than the ones you've wronged, or the ones who have wronged you,  you are more than your sins.
Your life was meant for more!
Everyone needs love and compassion and you know you want it too.
COME receive it!
He will take you, just as you are.  (He took me)
You don't need to prepare, you don't need to fix.
You don't need to get better. You don't have to be or do better.
COME as you are.  Give it all to Him.  He wants it.
What do you got to lose!
We have eternity to lose out on, and I don't want that for you.

You need a Savior.  His name is Jesus.

You need a love that won't fail you.
You are made for so much more than all of this, He loves you, He treasures you!
He will give you the love that you need, Unconditional love a love that is beyond your understanding.
A love you can't measure, a love that won't fail you!

This new journey, it will be like learning to walk all over again.
But you'll be o.k.
He will help you, he will lead you.
He will never let you go!

John 3:16,17 New Living Translation (my emphasis added)

For God so loved the world you (you are apart of this world) that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it,  but to save it.

Romans 10:9,10 New Living Translation

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.

Pray this prayer with me:
"Lord, Jesus I believe you are the Son of God.
Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins.
I have sinned and I am sorry, please forgive me.
Today I do confess that you Jesus are my Lord and Savior.
I believe that you you were born of the virgin Mary ant that you died for all and rose from the dead.
And I receive the gift of eternal life, that only you can offer.
Today I ask you to come in to my heart and life.
I give you complete control of my life, and I want to live my life for you
from this day forward and always.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen!"

If you prayed this prayer, I would love for you to share that with me, or someone else you may know that has given their life to Jesus, so that they may come join you in your walk with the Lord, Jesus.
If  it's o.k. by you I would love to get in contact with you.
Please leave your information!
(This blog is inspired by Third Day Mountain of God check the song out on You Tube)

Genesis 50:20

What if... Maybe...

What if...

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I had more?
What if there's more to life?
What if I change?
What if there's something else out there for me?
What if I find a new "normal"?
What if there's a different way of doing things?
What if I give it a try?
What if there's a different way than what I've known?
What if I had a family that accepted me for me?
What is the right way of doing things?
What if I'm missing out?
What is the wrong way of doing things?
What if I stay here it's what I know?
What if I had it all? ? ? ? ? ?


Maybe if I was born at a different time...
Maybe if  my life wasn't already decided for me...
Maybe if I would of been raised in a different home...
Maybe if I was raised differently...
Maybe if I looked different..
Maybe if I acted different...
Maybe if I was like everyone else...
Maybe if I was shorter or taller...
Maybe if I was smarter...
Maybe if I was thinner...
Maybe if I was better looking...
Maybe if I was more eloquent...
Maybe if I was not me...
Maybe if I could just decide...
Maybe if just maybe...? ? ? ? ?

Every Wonder
What if?
Every Wonder

I use to ALL the time!
The answers to my questions...

The What If's:

The bigger picture + Christ

The more + My Eternity

The more to life + Forgiveness and Grace

The change + It wasn't easy, but so worth it

The something else out there for me + Yes Mercy

The new "normal" + It feels so good and it's beginning to feel more and more normal everyday

The different way of doing things + God's Word Daily

The giving it a try + It was all worth it

The different way than what I've known + Yep, I found The Truth
I should say The Truth found me

The family who accepts me for me + Adopted into God's family ( I so love my church family)

The right way of doing things + God's Way God's Will

The missing out + I'd be missing out on
my calling and on my eternity in heaven with Christ
if I would of stayed where I was at

The wrong way of doing things + my old way of doing things

The staying here + I'm glad fear didn't get the best of me, I moved

The having it all + I have it all, life in Christ

The Maybe's:

The born at a different time + No, God knew me before all creation

The life decided for me + Yep, God predestined it

The raised in a different home + No way, it's who I am today because of my family.  God knows

The raised differently + Um, sometimes maybe ya, that would be nice, but no God meant it for good

The looking different + Me looking different wouldn't be me

The acting different + I'm staying this way whether you like it or not ! Ha Ha!  Some attitudes need to change

The like everyone else + no way, different and set apart is the way to go

The shorter vs taller + it doesn't matter, really!

The smarter + I want to be wiser

The thinner + ya, would be nice

The better looking + nope, I'm o.k. with me

The more eloquent +  yes, but real

The not me + no way, I was created in God's image in his likeness.  I like I AM! and I like how I AM, made me

The only if I could decide + I'm so thankful God is deciding, because when I was, I really messed things up

The just maybe + Just maybe take the narrow path

Tears of Sadness Turned to Tears of Joy

Just around the corner, in a one month time span,
we will have celebrated
3 birthdays and remembered 
one very special birthday. 
Four birthdays in one month.
All wrapped up in beautiful
big blue and green eyes.
BIG  BIG hugs.
Rosy bashful cheeks.
Anticipation as high as Mount Everest.
A grand  total of 13 candles ALL blown out. 
Yeah! No boyfriends or girlfriends to speak of.
Colorful packages all in a row
and some wrapped in Festival bags.

 I had plenty of joyful tears fall this past month.

--Sadness--Why Me?--I'm different--
--Maybe--Why not them?--Someday--
--I wonder what it's like to celebrate?--
--Alone--What's wrong with me?--Tears--
--Regret--Why Me?--Rejected--
--Can we celebrate just one time?--

**Happy!**Really?**I'm the same!**
**Yes!**Is this really happening?**Today!**
**Is this for real, are we really celebrating**
                   **My Birthday!**
**Friends!**I'm going to be o.k.!**Tears**
**No Regrets**Yes Me!**Accepted**
**We get to celebrate every year from now on!**

+He Redeems+He Cries+ He Knows+
+He Restores+He Cares+ He Loves+

                +   Psalms 103:4   +
+ He redeemed my life from the pit +
+ crowns me with love and compassion. +
               +  Psalms 103:5   +
+He satisfied my desires with good things +
+that my youth was renewed like the eagle's.  +

+ I Praise my LORD, of heaven and earth! +

+ I Give thanks to the LORD, for what He has done in my life! +

Happy 7th Birthday Anaka!
Happy 4th Birthday Isaac!
Happy 2nd Birthday Landen!
Happy Birthday Dad I miss you!