Trust

TRUST
"No way!" 
"Not trying that!"
"Been there-done that!"
"Not doing that ever again!"
Trust, in the past,has gotten me no where.
Trust has been broken,
time and time again.
Believe me.
I've tested it.
I've tried it.
And found this to be true... 

TRUST
(on my daily calendar)
= equals = BROKEN!

Then in August of 2004,
I put my trust in you Lord!
I was afraid!
I didn't WANT to!!
But I WANTED to!!!
Did I really want to put all my eggs in one basket?
I was always told never to do that.
But I did. I did it!
Oh, I did it? Oh no,Oh boy, what did I do?!?
Lord I remember when I first started to talk with you...
LORD, you know I've said this to you before, out of frustration, but can I say this one more time, for the sake that maybe someone out there might be able to relate?
"I'm sorry but your name Jehovah was the last name I wanted to use."

I didn't even know what name to call you by.
I was always told to call you by the name Jehovah, and that any other name would not do.  But I was angry with you, you were a mean God, a mean Jehovah in my life. You were the Jehovah who tore up my family, you were the Jehovah God with so many rules, you were the God I couldn't put enough hours in for, the God that made me miss Saturday morning cartoons. 
You, Jehovah always watching me, and waiting for me to slip up.
So you could send me to the grave, not even hell.
(Because I was taught, "There was no such thing as hell, because a loving God would never create such a place, and why would he send his creation (man) to such a place. Frankly it doesn't exist!")
No, you would send me to the grave.
Where I would be conscience of nothing.
(If you know me; me not knowing things, that is pure torture!)
(Hence, why I dig, search, and study so much.)
I know now there is a hell. It will be torturous,and there will be an awareness, a knowing.
(NIV-Matt.10:28, Matt. 23:15, Matt. 23:33,Luke 16:23)
Amongst many other verses.
I guess maybe I should of settled for the latter.
Sometimes I'd slip up just to see what you would do.
You never did anything to me, anything mean to me that is.
You were watching, and waiting for me..... To Wake Up!
(NIV-Romans 13:11, Revelations 3:3)
You didn't want to cause me harm.
(NIV-Genesis 50:20)
Man was fulfilling there role in that!

You were merciful.
(A word I've only come to discover only in these past 6 years.)

You were so merciful, in gently moving me away from what I'd known all my life. I see that now. Thank you!

I remembered my dream when I was about 11, when I saw you Jesus. 

Then the daunting thoughts came.
"Oh, no I can't use that name either, he's only a man, he's not God or any god for that matter, he won't hear you, your doing it all wrong!"
But I remember the dream like I had it last night.
You were reaching your hand out to me, and I had to jump across to the other half of this splitting "rock". If I didn't reach out and take your hand, I would slip and fall in that deep crevice and go to the grave.
I'm sorry it took me so long Lord, please forgive me.
I was afraid then, I was afraid 6 years ago.
But then I thought what do I have to lose?
I lost most of my family to their religion.
I would soon lose my precious family I have now. 
If I didn't stop my awful behaviors of control, manipulation, no trust in my husband, no respect for my husband, me a raging mom, and on and on and on.
I lost one family I didn't want to lose another.
I wanted to learn how to trust.
So I jumped to the other side of the Rock.
(NIV-Psalm 62:2, Psalm 71:3) 
And you know it's only been in the last 3-4 months, I let go of my mother's hand. (A hindrance and stronghold for me) and I grabbed on to you Jesus with both hands. 
(NIV-Psalms 144:2)  
Now the doubt, the worry, the anxiety came.
No!
Tears poured out, That "weight" was lifted off.
There were tears that cried out;
"It is finished." 
(NIV-John 19:30)
Did that feeling of trust just come all at once? 
No. I can't say that it did.
But I can tell you that trust isn't a feeling for me anymore.
My Trust is in the character of my God.
My Trust is in "The Truth" of who He says He is.
Trust-Faith-and-Hope all go hand in hand for me now.
I have trust and assurance, based off of what God has revealed to me.
He reveals Himself to me in His Word, The Bible.
This trust thing, I've done it everyday, since.

And "One" huge thing God has revealed to me through His Word.
He has a name.
He has many names!
I first came to know Him as my Savior-Jesus.
(NIV-Luke 2:11)
I then came to know him as Immanuel.
(NIV-Matthew 1:23) "God with us."
Then, The Image of the Invisible God.
(NIV-Colossians 1:15,
and 2 Corinthians 4:4-6.)

Then I went to our church family camp that same year 2004, and I saw hanging on the wall a sign that read Jehovah.........
something.  I shut down! I was suffocating in this tunnel when I saw the name Jehovah AGAIN!
Oh,No!What am I doing? Everything I wanted to run away from came flooding back.
But then there and ever since there has been a whisper. 
"Wait."  "Learn."
"Let me show you who I AM."
(NIV-Exodus 3:6 compare Matthew 22:32, Exodus 3:14 and John 8:58)

Aah!
I came to know Him as YAHWEH-RAPHA. (Hebrew)
Jehovah-יְהֹוָה Yĕhovah *
My Healer- רָפָא    rapha'! *
(NIV-Exodus 15:26)

* Jehovah = "the existing One"

1) the proper name of the one true God

1) to heal, make healthful 
 -Parallel Verse Referring to Jesus-
(NIV-1 Peter 2:24.
...by his wounds you have been healed.
ἰάομαι iaomai (Greek) *

* 1) to cure, heal

2) to make whole

a) to free from errors and sins, to bring about (one's) salvation

I have to be honest, when it comes to trusting God, it is easier now than it was 6 years ago.  But I definitely have a long way to go.
(NIV-Psalm 91:2)  

I recently came across a card that listed several of God's names on the front of it.  I bought the card and put it in a frame on my mantel.  I look at it daily to remind me "ALL" my God is.

I've come to realize there is much more meaning in a name, than we realize.
As you come along this journey with me, I ask you to come back, and discover like I did, the many names of God.
Yes, there are more, many more!
So, "What's in a name?"..........
"Wait" and see.



*Cite This Page:

Blue Letter Bible. "Dictionary and Word Search for rapha' (Strong's 7495)". Blue Letter Bible. 1996-2011. 1 Feb 2011. < http:// www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?
Strongs=H7495&t=NIV >

*Cite This Page:

Blue Letter Bible. "Dictionary and Word Search for iaomai (Strong's 2390)". Blue Letter Bible. 1996-2011. 1 Feb 2011. < http:// www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?
Strongs=G2390&t=NIV >