It Is Only Now

They told me the shunning would help in bringing me back.

I was told shunning would bring me to repentance.

Repentance before man.

Of all the hard things

the worst
 is the shunning.

"For if I do not repent before man

then the congregation will shun you

along with family too."

"Forget the one wondering lost sheep

she has chosen to go her own way."
"Don't worry this will make her come back."

That ploy did not work on me.

Shunning pushed me further away.

Falling into all kinds of rebellion.

Wanting desperately to receive

just one look

just one word

 even a negative word

 just to get some sort of reaction

some sort of communication
some kind of response.


Nothing. Shunned.

By there shunning
  they believe they have won.

Believing they have the upper hand on me.

They are right and I am wrong.

They are
 "In the Truth"

and I am an apostate.

Truth be told;
For I can not be an apostate

because 

 I was never told the Truth.

I can only be an apostate
 if I 
talk against, deny, or blaspheme

the Truth of

 my Lord and Saviour Jesus.

For that I have not done
for I did not know Him at that time. 

It Is Only Now
 that I have discovered

The Truth.

It Is Only Now

that I know
 I was chosen and set apart.

For 
It Is Only Now

 that I understand

 that I would leave

 my mother and brothers to follow Christ.

For
 It Is Only Now 
that I believe

 with my entire

heart

mind

body 

soul and spirit 

that I was brought to this place for 
God to show me 

that what they enemy meant for evil 
 God will make for good

the saving of many lives.

And 
It Is Only Now
that I will never turn back and always go forward

because God picked me out as his from the very start.

  Think of it: included in God's original plan of salvation 
by the bond of faith in 

THE LIVING TRUTH.

So
 now I take a firm stand
 feet on the ground
 and head high.  

Keeping a tight grip
 on what I've been taught
because 
 Jesus himself and God the Father

 have reached out in love to me
with an unending help and confidence
 and
put a fresh heart in me.

From this Living Truth I will never leave.

John 15:16, Luke 14:25-27, Genesis 50:20

2 Thessalonians 2:13-17-The Message Bible

Emotion, Memories, Questions, Love, and Hope

Every year for the past 14 years

I have woken up on

 November 6th

knowing that day will be a day filled with 

emotion

memories

questions

 love

and 

hope.

My heart tugs

 because I didn't put a sentiment in the paper 

and I didn't get out to my dad's grave.

I'm bewildered

 because just 4 days after that on the 10th

 I will be thinking about

 my eldest brothers passing just 4 years ago.

I want to call my mom

but life from her perspective

I am disfellowshipped

and

I am an appostate.

No longer in touch no contact.

It astonishes me

 the emotion

 and questions

that come with being raised in a cult.

Especially ones regarding death.

Heaven and Hell.

I don't sit there long in the 

emotions and questions.

Instead I embrace

the memories 

and the love.

There are many memories

 I can draw upon as a child regarding family

 times that were good.

I didn't know any different, so all was good.

We loved the way we were taught to love.

So it seemed o.k. 

It seemed normal.

We had our family banter and sarcasm's.

We had our nick-names and share of family dramas.

When dad passed 

 all the chaos that surrounded that event

Jehovah Witnesses stepping in and pushing aside family.

Brother fighting against brother

wanting dad's things.

Claiming it each as his own.

In those moments

I quietly slipped into the entry way

 from the garage to the house

and grabbed one of my dad's flannels. 

The one I remember him in all the time.

It is blue and red.

He wore it to the hospital the day I had Chelsea.

He wore it every time I went to the house.

He had it on every time I hugged him.

I can go to it today and in some

mysterious way

it still holds his scent.

I love you Dad!

When the time came

 that my oldest brother passed.

The same chaos's rose up once again.

This time I was sad in a different way.

I didn't know my brother.

We were 16 years apart.

He the oldest brother out of 5.

And me the 6th. The baby girl.

He was married and out of the house

before memories came into play.

But on that sad day as we laid him to rest

family sat and talked and reminisced.

I was told in those moments

how much he talked about me 

through out his life.

His baby sister-Tweety.

My nick name given to me by him.

How he loved to take me as a baby

 and buy me pretty dresses and dress me up.

How he loved his baby sister.

Things I never knew until it was to late.

I love you Randy!

It was too late because a cult has ripped our family to pieces.

And all the love I have

 and want to give

May never be expressed.

May never be relayed in a way I would so love to give it.

But there is always hope.

And that is what I hang on to each and everyday.

But By God!

But by God

 and it is only through him 

his love 

his mercy

 his grace

that I love!