In Memory of...

She didn't know it

 but in a few days she would be getting a phone call that today would be the day

 that one of her brothers passed.

 May 30, 2011.

They had an estranged relationship for far to many years.

So when the call came in, regret consumed her.

Something supernatural took over within her. 

 A strength she could not describe in words.*

Sadness was not shown

 around those that she needed to be strong for.

But before her pastor, and pastors she was able to to let the healing tears fall.

The sadness, the regret, the would of's and could of's flooded her like a tsunami.

Brother and sister so close at different periods in their lives.

She remembered when he married all dressed in white, and his bride, her face like a porcelain doll.

A few years later, a bouncing baby boy, named Jordan. 

She wrote a poem about him in school because she was so proud of this new nephew.

Sleep overs were in abundance, the love was abounding,

 she can still drive by that house and recall all those precious memories.

At a very young age sister was told, she was no longer to speak with brother because

"He had chosen a new and different lifestyle."

No contact, cut off.

 In an istant. Immediatly. No time for good-byes.

Like death.

She did not understand how love could just stop, just end.

As sister grew, and matured in some ways, and in some senses, she came to a point

 of questioning the things of life.

She too was now a parent

 a mommy, of a bouncing baby girl.

A phone call came in from brother, who now lived far away.

His desperation, his cry

 " I need you, I don't know how long I have, I need help!"

With no hesitation, she packed up and went, went to him, to do what ever she could.

Offer support.

Give love.

 Little did she know

 it would be a rekindling of their cut off relationship.

She stayed for a short period. 

 But in that time, they realized just how very much they were a like.

The ostrisizeing they both experienced from family and friends. 

 The pyshciatry and therapy

 the two of them would need for far to much of the greater parts of their lives.

The questionings of:

 "Is their really a God?  And if so, are we even worthy of Him?

Is there a heaven?  Would I be allowed to enter?" 

 They questioned the deeper things of life and death.

As brother fell deeper and deeper into the snarls of life. 

 Brother and sisters relationship became

 stressed and strianed.

  Separated. 

 Separated for a long time to never again be able to talk to one another again.

Sister in the far north and brother in the far south.

After the phone call came in, 

I soon found myself standing on that Florida beach.

 One of the many my brother loved.

 I knew my Strong Tower was there with me.*

  I saw a shadow, in the water, rise tall above me,

 behind me. 

 I looked behind me to dismiss it, doubt it, explain it away as a tall exquisite  resort. 

 But nothing was there. 

 I felt His presence. I tried to shake it off.

 Act like it wasn't there, that it didn't exist.

But He does exist.  God was there.

  He was with me there on that beach,

 when I needed Him most.

I remember saying; "Ok, Lord I surrender yet again.  I need you.  Thank you for being my strength, my supernatural strength, in this great time of need.

  You have provided me with everything I need, for this very moment. 

 Show me what to do, where to go from here. 

 Please don't leave me during this time of great sadness, please continue to be my strength."

In all the sadness and releasing the regret, 

we, our other brother Rick, a friend, and I

 were able to grant a desire of our brother Roger

 and release his ashes into the ocean, the place he loved to be most.

It was at the ocean that I believe Roger was closets with God.

 Some may beg to differ.

Saying;

 "Ya but he lead a life of this..."

"Ya but he lead a life of that..."

Lord open my eyes at the end of my pointing finger. 

 I don't see what you see.  For you see the heart.*

My hope is in the prayers I prayed for my brother.

" That the Lord would put someone in his path.

 Someone would come passing through his life that would reveal "The Truth" to him.

 Lord that he would come to find you, Jesus, and accept you, and all that you are."*

As I returned home and went through the papers that were left behind,

 I was able to receive the precious gift of reading some of my brothers journal entires. 

In amongst those papers he had a copy of Our Daily Bread where scripture is read daily.

I believe he was putting God's word in his heart, and was on a journey of discovering Truth.  Discovering his Creator.*

Today as I looked through last years cards of sympathy

 I am touched by the love I am surrounded with, daily.

  A love I know Roger had always been searching for.

We search for love in all kinds of places.

Friends, family, our children, addictions, pets, careers, the list goes on and on,

Yes we were created to love.  To give love and receive love.

Our first command in life is:*

 You must love the LORD your God with all 

your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.'

You will search all your life to find the kind of love that can fill you,

but the truth of the matter is this;

If you don't have the love, for God and towards God,

Receive Him and His Son

you will never have true love in anything, or anyone.

We may say; "We have it or truly have found it."

 We may try to camouflage it, and pretend it's the real thing, but it's not, and it can't be until...

Until 

you encounter and receive the love,

 the one of a kind love that is full of grace and mercy.

You will search all your life

 to find the kind of love that can only be fulfilled in and through God.

The fulfilling kind of love that will only sustain us until the end.

 That kind of love can only be found by and through the creator of heaven and earth.

One card entry said; " I was so very sorry to hear about the passing of Melissa's brother. 

 Sometimes we so much want to know the "why's' of why things happen,

 but then we come to realize it is enough to know we trust our Saviour with our questions.

Why?

Because Roger was sick. Time and disease had taken it's toll.

I don't have any other answers, other than those.

I know and believe I can't handle all the whys.

 I trust Jesus with the whys.

Some day my heavenly Father will reveal all the why's of life to me,

 but by then I will be in heaven with Him, in His arms, and by His side.

Home and safe seeing the whole picture of Why.*

So today as I jumped on the computer to honor my brother in this blog,

as I entered the Google page,

 of all days Google has chosen today of all days

 to use very ornate eggs to decorate their Goggle name.

"Everything happens for a reason."

 "Ironic?" 

"Who would of thought?"

God would of thought.  God knows. God knows everything. 

 God is in the details of your life. 

 He touches your life personally.

Even today on Google, just for me and just for you, 

because He knows today how much we will all miss Roger.

He created Roger to like the look, and desire to purchase very ornate eggs, and display them.

Everytime I see one of these eggs I am reminded of my brother.

Thank you Lord for doing what you did today, on google.

In Memory of...

Roger James Rein my 4th oldest brother.

  I love you, remember you, and honor you today.

Love,

Missa

* Philippians 4:13, Proverbs 18:10, 1 Samuel 16:7, 

John 14:6, Genesis 1:1, Psalm 139:13, 

Mark 12:30, John 14:2

Fort Lauderdale Beach

Miami Beach

The Breakers- Palm Beach

Key West

John 3:16, John 3:18, John 3:36, John 6:47, John 12:46, John 20:29, Acts 16:31, Acts 10:43

Ashamed

Shunned=Ashamed

Living* Breathing* Knowing*

Somebody-Someone

is ashamed.

Of Me.

Ashamed I didn't succeed.

Ashamed I failed.

Ashamed I didn't fulfill.

Ashamed I was a let down.

Ashamed I couldn't do as good as...

Ashamed I won't return.

Ashamed of what I became.

Ashamed of what I will become.

Ashamed that after all that hard work...

Ashamed after all that effort........

Ashamed.

Ashamed she didn't become

 the daughter I always dreamed of.

The guilt she carries with her, when others look upon her.

The embarrassment she feels

 knowing her daughter didn't stick it out.

The regret she takes on, 

telling herself she didn't do her job right 

as a mom in raising her daughter.

The humiliation of having a daughter

 who wasn't one of the good ones.

The loneliness, the emptiness she must feel.

The wanting, the yearning to have her daughter by her side.

The wishing to turn back the hands of time.

To be able to do it all over again.

To raise her again.

What about the others?

The other 5 she gave birth too.

I'm sure she feels that way about them also.

She believes whole heartedly she is on the narrow road.

But blindly she is on the wide road leading to destruction.

She prays whole heartedly for her apostate daughter.

But what the father of lies is keeping from her, 

is that her daughter has found the Truth.

She works so hard in her old age fully convinced

 she is practicing Matthew 24:14.

But yet turning in her time slip as regular pioneer 

she is deceived yet another month and another year

 that by her works she will be looked upon differently.

That maybe, just maybe

 with this month along with last months 

along with the past decades of years

 piling up it may just be enough.

My mom has not experienced grace.

My mom does not understand mercy.

My mom has yet to feel love. 

I pray that "The Truth" 

will be revealed to her some day soon.

Time is short, and is running out.

I do not know when Christ will return.

I pray there will come a day when my mom is not ashamed.

Matthew 7:13,14  John 8:44  John 14:6 

 Matthew 24:14  Ephesians 2:8,9  Matthew 24:36

Shunned

"The family is not the weight.

  The concern for our family is the weight." -John Bevere

As I sat and enjoyed my cup of coffee with a friend, she spoke of people that intimidated her to the point of her getting up, and walking out of a store, a restaurant, or even church.

While my fingers were leafing through scripture to find words of encouragement to share with her, I looked up to see the woman who once intimidated me not only in public places, but even in my own home.

 My mom.

Shunning is apart of my life. If you've walked the life as a Jehovah's Witnesses and then chose to walk a different life you know the feeling all to well.

I use to feel anger in those moments.

  I use to cry myself to sleep over those occasions in my life.

  Today I feel more than one emotion. 

 1st respect.  I respect my mom. 

 I do not want to cause her embarrassment. 

 I do not want her to be pulled aside at a later date, and questioned as to why she spoke with her disfellowshipped daughter. 

 2nd saddened.  I am saddened that she is lost.

  I pray for my mom

 that someday the veil will be torn before her eyes, and she will see, recognize, and respond to truth.

My father who has been gone for over 13 years now, was never a devout Jehovah's Witness.

He tried for my mothers sake, but could never conform.

It is easier to go through, move through, the emotion of the loss of a parent when you know they are gone.

You somehow learn to cope and deal with the pain.

The emotion and pain that comes with shunning, is gut wrenching each and every time.

You go throw the loss each and every encounter.

  You wonder when the next face to face opportunity will present it's self.

  Will it be on your front door, in a public place,

 or side by side in your vehicle at a red stop light?

Your natural instinct as a child is to reach out your hand, in hopes that mom will grab on to yours. 

 You extend both arms for the embrace of a warm hug, instead you brush against a cold shoulder. 

 Or from across the room, the daggers in the eyes speak loud and clear that as we approach "I will look down or look away."

Shunning, denial, and rejection is just a part of life.

That is why I look up and look to Him, because my Lord tells me;

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first." John 15:18 NLT

...there is one that sticks closer than a brother.

 Proverbs 18:24. NIV

...there is one that will not fail me or abandon me.

 Deuteronomy 31:6. NLT

Isaiah 49:15 says;

 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

 and have no compassion on the child she has borne? 

Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"

When I am in need of love, comfort, compassion, worth, grace and mercy.

I look up to my Lord Christ Jesus.

I know my heavenly Father 

is watching over me 

each and every day

 ready to give me my every need.